


Memento Mori

by ardett



Series: Memento [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blankgameplays - Freeform, Darkiplier - Freeform, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Ethan Nestor Egos, F/M, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mark Fischbach Egos, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Unus Annus, YouTube, no actual non con and not explicit, would recommend reading the rest of this series first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25909243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: All things must come to an end.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Memento [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783306
Comments: 22
Kudos: 164





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work has very different tags and warnings than the rest, CHECK THE TAGS and stay safe!
> 
> what's that? it's been three weeks? yeah sorry about that but now brace yourself for: two big chapters

90:00:00:00

Ethan wakes up in his own bed. He feels sore and tired but when he looks at the clock, it’s 3pm. When did he get back home?

Ethan brings up a hand to rub at his head as pain shoots through his skull. He pauses.

There are scratches on his wrist. 

Whatever blood was beading out of the thin marks is dried now but his skin is still red and raw. It looks like someone clawed him.

Ethan tries to search through his memories. The last thing he remembers is going to sleep at Mark’s. Or… he woke up and said something, didn’t he? What was it?

He swallows and stares at the ceiling, trying to remember.

A barrier in him breaks.

Uncontrollable fear rushes through his body, adrenaline following it. His heart feels like it’s going to pound out of his chest and his hands are shaking, his whole body’s shaking, and he can’t breathe—

He gasps, fingers clawing at his chest, trying to take a breath, when just as suddenly as the feeling came over him, the fear fades.

He lays in his bed, blinking dazedly at the ceiling and trying to catch his breath. Blank is close. So close that Ethan’s surprised he hasn’t taken over yet. It’s like Blank’s hands are on his shoulder. (Like they’re around his neck—)

“What’s happening?” Ethan rasps. The scratches on his wrist sting. Blank’s presence pushes down on his mind. “Blank? W-What happened?”

Blank doesn’t respond but Ethan can feel him almost shaking his head, denying Ethan any answers. It’s only because Ethan is paying attention that he notices his memories from seconds ago starting to slip.

“No, don’t—” Ethan concentrates on what just transpired. He has to know.

Blank snaps into control of his body. The displacement is so abrupt that Ethan almost can’t process it until he’s falling backwards into darkness, into nothingness. The world turns dull and flat through his eyes. His own voice echoes down to him, emotionless.

_“You have to stop trying to remember. I’ve given you everything else. I can’t let you have these memories.”_

Air rushes into Ethan’s lungs as Blank pulls him up and back into control. He’s still almost unbearably close. This is how he’s trying to talk, Ethan realizes. He must need more than just the impressions Ethan usually gets from him. Or maybe it’s just because they’re alone for once.

“But… they’re my memories,” Ethan pleads. He’s sitting upright in bed now. He scrubs away the black tears that always seem to follow Blank. “You’re never going to let me remember them? I thought you wanted me to grow and stand up for myself. How can I do that when I don’t even know myself?”

Blank brings himself forward again. Ethan doesn’t fall quite as far this time. It’s like Blank is keeping a hold of his hand. _“You can’t. I’m trying to protect you.”_

“But you’re not!” Ethan’s starting to get frustrated. He doesn’t even care about control anymore. He just wants his thoughts, his feelings, his memories to be his own. He wants to know who he is. “You’re not protecting me! I’m getting hurt!” He brandishes his wrist where he and Blank can both see it. “Something’s hurting me and you won’t even tell me what!”

Ethan’s eyes are burning with unshed tears. He knows that as soon as Blank comes to the surface, they’re going to overflow.

His hand jerks involuntarily to cover the scratches. Blank doesn’t want to look at them. Blank stays silent. There’s nothing but emptiness and echoes coming from him. 

Ethan grits his teeth and stands. “Fine. If you’re not going to tell me, I’ll go ask Mark.”

Ethan makes it all of two steps before he’s brought to his knees with another tidal wave of fear, blaring like a siren. The terror is crippling. Ethan tries to reach out for his bed to hold himself steady but his hands are trembling, his vision is blurry with tears. He’s choking and hyperventilating, it feels like he’s _dying—_

Blank slams walls up again. Ethan curls into himself, forehead pressed to his knees. His fingers tangle loosely in the carpet but they’re weak from the shaking and straining.

“So you’re never going to let me see him?” Ethan tries to snarl but he’s still trying to catch his breath. It’s like all the energy has been drained out of him. “You’re just going to make me afraid every time I think of him?”

 _“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_ Blank’s tears stain the carpet in inky blots. His voice wavers from scared to flat. _“I don’t want you to be afraid. I didn’t mean to let you in.”_

Ethan tenses. He didn’t expect Blank to apologize. It’s also the first time he’s heard Blank sound anything other than emotionless. It doesn’t really help assuage his own fears. Blank’s words play back in Ethan’s head. 

“You didn’t mean to let me in? Are you… Is this your fear?” Ethan whispers.

_“You were never supposed to experience it.”_

Ethan’s eyes widen. “But I thought you couldn’t be afraid. I thought you didn’t feel like we do.”

_“If the emotion is strong enough, your body has a reaction to it. I can’t control that.”_

It takes a second for Ethan to recognize the feeling radiating out from Blank, twisted and wiry and oddly heavy.

“Are… Are you lying to me?” Ethan asks incredulously. “You’re afraid. What are you so scared of? Mark?”

_“I’m afraid for you. You’re not letting me protect you.”_

“How many times do we have to talk about this? Mark is trying to be better. You don’t have to protect me from him! I can protect myself.” Ethan levers himself to his feet. He leans on his dresser for support for a moment as he gets his feet back underneath him. “I don’t think that’s what this is about. I think you’re scared of when I won’t need you anymore. I think you’re scared of going back to whatever you were before.”

 _“I was nothing before you needed me. I’m not scared to go back to that.”_ Blank finally gets their breathing under control. Ethan feels the rhythm of his lungs even out, the flood of clean air and fresh thoughts. _“But you called out to me for a reason even if you don’t remember it now.”_

“I… I called out to you?” Ethan rests a shaking hand to his throat, though he’s sure it wasn’t a physical cry for help. Did he bring Blank into this world? “I… I don’t… Why?”

_“Ethan.”_

Ethan flinches as Blank says his name but he’s not in control anymore. Blank turns them towards the mirror hanging on the wall. Ethan looks at his own face staring back at him, eyes bottomless and empty and pitch black. Tears run midnight rivers down his cheeks.

_“The pain I hold for you is too much.”_

Ethan suddenly understands with a cold and certain clarity that the tears that Blank cries don’t come from nothing. Whatever happened is so painful that even Blank, emotionless and empty, can’t completely contain it. Whatever’s left of Ethan’s pain and memories is spilling out of Blank. And Blank is always, always crying.

-

Ethan has been wandering aimlessly around his own house for the better part of the morning when Mark calls him. Blank has retreated now but Ethan can’t stop thinking about what he said. Of course Ethan wants to know, of course Ethan wants to remember, but what if it changes everything?

Ethan stares at his phone, finger hovering over the answer button. He lets it go to voicemail. He slumps into a chair at his table, holding his phone to his ear as it beeps with a new voicemail.

_“Hey, it’s Mark. I thought you were going to stay—”_

Blank’s fear spikes and suddenly Ethan isn’t in his home anymore. He’s somewhere else entirely.

-

They’ve just finished filming and Ethan is packing up his things when Mark says, voice deep and guttural, **“Stay.”**

“What? Now?” Ethan pauses, teeth digging into his lip. It’s already dark outside and he’s been at Mark’s since noon. He’s… He’s really tired actually but he doesn’t want to turn Mark down. “It’s kind of late, isn’t it? Do you want to… film more?”

“Just stay for a little bit longer.” Mark doesn’t look up, only pats a spot on the couch next to him.

“I…” Ethan’s hands worry at the strap of his bag. “I could. I guess. I told Mika we would get some pizza tonight, though.” Ethan trails off as he sees Mark is tapping on his phone, not even really paying attention. He tries to prompt Mark, “Did you want to do something? You know, in particular?”

Mark suddenly looks up at him, almost a glare. His gaze feels like it’s burning into Ethan, accusing. He raises an eyebrow at him.

“Ethan, do you not want to spend time with me?” Mark’s voice is dangerously low.

Ethan flinches and fumbles with his words. “N-no. I mean, yeah, I do. But I’ve been here all day. I kind of… well, I’m gonna see you this weekend, right? Can’t we— Why do you want me to stay?” 

Ethan feels the pressure of Mark’s gaze, of Mark’s expectations. They’re more equal now, every day the footing between them is a bit more even, but sometimes he still feels like it’s one misstep and Mark will pull the rug out from under him. Change his mind about choosing to make a joint channel and replace Ethan with someone else, someone bigger, someone better.

If this is his one chance, he can’t waste it. He doesn’t want Mark to think he’s ungrateful for everything he’s done for him. Ethan never wants to say no.

Well, he does want to say no. But he’s not sure he’s allowed to.

“Um, okay.” Ethan gives in, voice small, when it’s clear Mark doesn’t want to explain himself. He drops his bag back onto the floor. “I can stay for a little bit. Let me, um, just let me text Mika.”

Mark rolls his eyes and Ethan’s heart twists. Embarrassed pain radiates out from his chest. “Don’t bother. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

“But—”

Mark’s voice cuts through Ethan’s as he narrows his eyes at him. “I’m sure she doesn’t want you to babysit her, Ethan.”

He should be angry. Logically, he should be angry. Mark asked him to stay for what appears to be no reason. Ethan told him that he had plans with Mika and Mark should respect that, especially after all the hard work they did together. But it’s difficult to focus on the logic of that when he hears the scorn in Mark’s voice. 

He looks up to Mark so much, even now. Especially now. Knowing how many people adore Mark and subscribe to him, coupled with constantly hearing people proclaiming how perfect Mark is, it’s hard not to agree with them. Mark has everything figured out. He has to have a reason for acting like this. Maybe Mark’s right.

Shame clouds his mind, pressing into all the corners.

Does Mark think he’s a bad boyfriend? Does Mark think him and Mika are not good for each other? Does Mark think that their relationship is more a joke than a real thing? Can Mark see that Mika might not like Ethan as much as he likes her?

Ethan doesn’t protest that he should at least be letting Mika know. He doesn’t disagree. Instead he slides his phone back into his pocket as his voice shrinks even more. “Okay. You’re— You’re probably right.”

Mark puts something not important on the TV and yeah, it’s a good time but Ethan’s uncomfortable the whole while. Mark doesn’t seem to notice. Ethan doesn’t know why Mark wanted him here and he wants to check his phone and see if Mika’s texting him but he’s too nervous that Mark will make some pointed comment if he does. 

Ethan stays for a couple more hours and then heads home, exhausted.

-

Ethan vaguely remembers the fall out of that night. Mika had waited outside his house for 30 minutes before going home. She had been pretty unhappy with him and when he had tried to explain, her anger turned more towards concern.

 _“He’s not your boss anymore,”_ she had said. Ethan had agreed with her out loud but he knew that even though she was right, that didn’t really matter. He owed too much to Mark.

That was a little bit ago. He doesn’t feel like that anymore. He’s more of his own person now and he knows that everything Mark has done to get success isn’t something he can just copy and paste. 

It's an unsettling memory, sure. It doesn’t paint Mark in the best light but Ethan can’t help but blame himself for his years of hero worship towards Mark, even after they became friends. It doesn’t stand out from all the times Mark might have hurt his feelings, except maybe that it seemed pointless.

Then Ethan realizes he’s on the ground. He fell off his chair. 

Ethan presses a hand to his head, feeling the bruise starting to form on the back of it. He grimaces at the ache but it doesn’t feel like there’s any serious damage.

“Blank?” he asks. “Was that you?” Blank doesn’t answer. His presence feels… unstable. There’s a feverish energy radiating from him, almost like he’s vibrating. “Why were you hiding that from me?” Ethan demands.

Blank’s energy snaps back into place. _“You weren’t supposed to see that. My control is slipping.”_

“Good,” Ethan snarls. He hates feeling this resentment, he hates arguing, but he’s so sick of feeling lost in his own head. “I want my life back.”

 _“You don’t understand. We’re starting to reintegrate because of what I’ve given back to you.”_ Ethan only lingers on what that means for a moment. If he doesn’t need Blank anymore, will Blank still be a part of him in some way? Maybe that would be the part of himself that he’s been missing. _“Because you think you don’t need me anymore,”_ Blank continues.

“Well maybe I don’t.” Ethan takes breath. He doesn’t want to be cruel to Blank. Blank is trying to protect him, he knows that. He’s just wrong about what he needs to protect Ethan from. “And— And I don’t want you to suffer but isn’t that what we both want? For you to not have to protect me anymore?”

 _“It is but you’re not ready. He’s still out there.”_ Blank is in control but his hands are trembling. Ethan can feel his fear simmering just below the surface.

“Mark’s not a danger to me!” Ethan protests. “I mean, what was that memory? Why didn’t you give it back to me before? We were just talking. Maybe he was mean but he’s trying to be better! And I’m stronger now.”

_“It’s not what happened. It’s what that was the start of.”_

Ethan sniffles as he comes back to the front. He’s going to need tissues. “What the hell does that mean?”

 _“The more you think about it, the more your memories are reintegrating. I’m not going to be able to protect you,”_ Blank pleads. Desperation tinges his fear.

Ethan catches a glimpse of his reflection, the tears running down his face. Not knowing is torture. “Protect me from what?”

Blank doesn’t respond.

-

Mark is texting him but Ethan can’t seem to focus enough to read the messages. Maybe he should eat. Yeah, he should eat. That will clear his head.

Ethan throws some eggs in a pan and makes some toast. When they’re done, he puts them on a plate and grabs a fork. He’s about to dig in when he hears a voice say directly into his ear, **_“Don’t eat that.”_**

Ethan’s fork clangs onto the counter. He spins around, looking for the voice, but there’s no one there.

“H-Hello?”

No one answers.

“What the fuck?” Ethan hisses, blinking and looking back at his food. He feels like he’s going crazy. Does it have something to do with what Blank said about them reintegrating? Whatever the voice was, it didn’t sound like Blank.

Ethan realizes that as he’s staring at his plate, his vision is starting to fade, all the color draining to black and white. He has just enough time to grab the counter as his knees buckle. And then he’s—

-

—not in his own kitchen but Mark’s kitchen instead. They haven’t started filming yet but Amy’s still setting up for whatever she’s got in store for them.

They’re just chatting about what they’ve been up to recently. The tile of the kitchen floor is cold under Ethan’s feet.

“So I was almost out of gas and I don’t think I’ve ever driven so carefully in my life—”

“Uh huh.” Ethan makes a sound to show that he’s listening but he’s starting to zone out. What is Amy doing that’s taking so long?

His gaze drifts away from Mark, who doesn’t seem to notice, and alights on a couple of wrapped chocolates sitting on the counter. He keeps nodding along to Mark’s story but also grabs some of the candy, unwraps it, and is about to toss the chocolate in his mouth, when Mark says, **“Don’t eat that.”**

Ethan jolts, not so much from what Mark’s saying but because of the tone he says it in. It sounded like a demand, low and serious, his voice unusually deep. He’s clearly not joking.

“What?” Mark’s eyes bore into him, almost… disgusted. Ethan curls into himself the smallest bit, arms hugging into his stomach. Ethan tries to ask, “Were… Were you saving it for something?”

Mark raises an eyebrow at him. “We’re doing the next workout video soon, remember? Do you wanna be in the best shape or do you wanna get ousted again?” Mark’s voice finally shifts back to something more casual, less biting. Ethan manages a confused smile back at him.

He gives a short, stunted laugh because it really doesn’t feel funny but he’s not sure how else to manage it. “I guess I’ll just… throw it away then.”

“You should.” Mark nods at him and gestures to the trash. 

Ethan’s stomach squirms but he tosses the chocolate away anyway. “Fine, fine,” he tries to get a lighthearted scoff out but he’s not sure he’s doing it right. “But I want to say on the record that I beat you in most of our events the first time and last time I was sick.”

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, man.”

Amy calls them a couple seconds later and Ethan doesn’t dwell on it much more after that.

-

Ethan blinks. It’s his kitchen. He’s in his kitchen.

Ethan blinks. Everything’s in color.

Ethan blinks. Everything is in shades of gray.

Ethan blinks. “Blank? What’s happening?”

Ethan blinks. Mark’s kitchen is superimposed on top of his own.

Ethan bli—

-

The next time isn’t as pleasant. 

Ethan’s about to bite into an apple as he walks into Mark’s house when Mark says again, **“Don’t eat that.”**

Ethan pauses, frowning at Mark. He’s immediately reminded of the last time Mark told him not to eat something. It feels like it’s starting to become a habit. He’s noticed Mark not offering Ethan food or a glass of water when he usually would. They used to get dinner together after a long day of filming. That hasn’t happened in weeks. 

But maybe it’s just in his head. He can’t tell anymore.

“It’s an apple, dude. Why are you on my ass?” Ethan scowls.

“We’re about to start filming. Can't you just wait?” Annoyance and impatience is written all over Mark’s face.

Ethan feels guilt bubble up in him. What was he thinking? Of course Mark isn’t trying to be mean. Mark just wants to get to work. Ethan is holding all of them up.

“Yeah, I guess,” Ethan agrees hesitantly but unease settles in his stomach. It’s not like Mark to ask him to not eat, even when they’re about to film. Usually it’s better to film when he’s not hungry but he doesn’t want to make everyone wait for him. If he has a hard time concentrating and staying focused because he’s hungry, that’s on him, isn’t it?

He leaves the apple on the counter and gets ready to film.

When he comes back later, the apple is gone.

“Hey Mark,” Ethan calls, gaze searching the countertop. He swore he left it right here. “Did you see where my apple went?”

Mark doesn’t look up. “Nope,” he replies.

“Really? Come on, dude, I was hungry.” Ethan’s stomach grumbles. He’s actually still pretty hungry. He tried to ignore it during filming but now that they’re done, it feels like his stomach is gnawing into itself.

“It’s better that you don’t.” Mark’s eyes flick up and scan over Ethan’s body. Maybe Ethan’s imagining it but he thinks Mark’s lip curls in distaste. “I’m doing intermittent fasting and look at me compared to you.”

“Okay, ouch. Kind of hurtful.” Ethan laughs but it actually does kind of hurt. 

He’s not blind to all the comments on their videos comparing the two of them, especially physically. Hearing it from Mark definitely hurts worse. He trusts Mark. He wouldn’t say these things just to hurt him. He’s probably telling Ethan the truth because he wants to help him. Mark could stand to be a little nicer about it though.

Ethan goes to throw away a paper towel and sees his apple in the trash. Ethan blinks at it, thinking for a second that maybe he’s mistaken but no, that’s definitely his apple. Confused anger blazes to life in him.

“Okay, actually what the fuck, Mark. Did you throw it away?” Ethan whips around, wide eyes fixing on Mark.

“No. Must have been Amy.” Mark’s voice is flat. He’s not even trying to convince Ethan that he isn’t lying.

Ethan stares at him. 

“Are you serious?” Ethan hisses. Mark’s expression stays impassive. “Fine, whatever, man. I’m gonna head home.” Ethan snatches up his things and storms out. Mark doesn’t stop him.

Later, he thinks about Mark throwing Amy under the bus. He’s never heard Mark talk like that before.

-

Ethan blinks. He’s in his kitchen. He stares at his own tile floor.

He feels sick to his stomach. He needs to lay down. His throat is sore. He thinks he was crying when he was having that flashback. Was it a flashback? Why would Mark act like that?

Ethan tries to swallow. It hurts.

He goes to the cabinet first for cough drops. He takes them out. The bag crinkles in his grip.

He feels like he’s going to throw up.

He puts them back on the shelf.

Suddenly, he feels too exposed. There’s too much space. He can’t fill it. He can’t fill the inside of his own body. He’s floating, drifting, and nothing feels real. His lungs burn. He takes a deep breath but it doesn’t help. He let it out too soon and forgot to inhale again. He coughs and his throat aches.

He needs to get out of here, out of this space. He needs to go somewhere safe.

He stumbles to his recording room. As soon as the door closes, every sound is muted. The lights are still off except for a couple tiny blinking electronics. It’s dark.

He snatches a blanket with trembling hands and curls up into a ball on the couch. He feels so tired. And wound up. And anxious. He’s having a hard time breathing.

He sits upright, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. Hard. He sees stars.

“It’s just Mark. It’s nothing,” he mutters to himself. He feels so empty. He thinks he wants to feel emptier.

 _“It’s not,”_ Blank breathes.

Ethan squeezes his eyes shut harder. “Not what?” he spits but the words come out weak. “Not nothing? It is, I’m fine. I’m— I’m fine, I don’t know why I feel like this—”

 _“No.”_ Ethan doesn’t know how he knows but he’s certain it’s Blank shaking this time, not him. _“It’s not Mark.”_

“What the fuck are you talking about? Of course it’s— Don’t say—”

He sees flashes of red and of blue and a hand reaching out to him with black fingertips and he’s looking up at Mark from the ground—

“NO!” Ethan screams, the word ripped out of his body. “I— I—” He’s breathing hard. The image is fading but the visceral reaction leaves him shuddering.

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, staring at the ground and not moving. He’s dully aware of his phone ringing. He knows it’s Mark. He’s too scared to answer it.

It rings again. He doesn’t answer.

It rings again. He doesn’t—

There’s a knock on the door. 

Not the upstairs door. The door to his recording room.

“Ethan?” Mark calls. Ethan goes rigid. He didn’t lock the door.

No, no, he can’t, he can’t do it again, do what again, he’s cornered in this room and Mark is going to— going to—

No, Mark would never—

But it’s not Mark—

“I’m coming in,” Mark says. The door starts to open.

“Wait!” Ethan yelps but it’s too late. Mark stands in the doorframe, looking confused and concerned.

“Ethan? Are you alright? I’ve been calling you all morning.”

Ethan flings a hand out as Mark takes a step towards him. “Please— Please stop. Don’t come closer.” 

Ethan can’t even explain it, the kind of fear that has crept it’s way into his bones. It’s irrational and uncontrollable. Ethan can’t remember why he feels like this but he knows, intrinsically, that it’s tied to what Blank is hiding from him. And he thought he wanted to know but now that he feels the absolute terror to his very core, he’s not sure he’ll be able to survive it.

Mark’s brow furrows. “What? Why not?” He takes another step forward. Ethan takes a step back. His shoulders hit the wall.

Cornered, knees on the ground, a hand in his hair—

_NO—_

“Mark, you’re not listening to me—” The words feel crooked and familiar in his throat, what is wrong with him?

“I want to help, Ethan. Please, just relax.” Mark reaches for him.

“Wait, Mark, stop, please—” 

_There’s blood under Mark’s fingernails._

Ethan sinks.

-

And he sinks.

-

And he sinks.

-

And he sinks to his knees.

The floor is hard. It makes his joints ache. It’s so late. It’s dark. They’ve been filming for hours, one of their long charity streams. Everyone else had left but Mark asked Ethan to stay. He did. He shouldn’t have.

Because Mark had backed Ethan into a corner and said, **"Don't you want to please me? You want to keep being on this team, don't you?"**

Ethan can't say no. He just moved to LA. He's alone. He has no one except Mark. He should feel lucky Mark is even paying attention to him. He should— He should be glad this is happening. Even if he thinks he doesn't want it.

He's nothing without Mark.

“Y-yes, I do but—”

**“Then get on your knees.”**

Ethan hesitated for a second longer before he did what Mark said. And now he's here, body shivering as he stares at the ground. He can't bring himself to look up at Mark. His face twists as he tries to keep himself from crying.

 **“Shh, baby, it’s okay. It’ll be over soon.”** Mark runs a hand through Ethan’s hair and then tugs, forcing Ethan's gaze up. Ethan gasps. The end of his breath fades into a whimper.

He watches Mark unzip his pants and he feels hot tears start to run down his face.

 _You can’t see this. You can’t take this,_ a voice says in his head.

Ethan shakes his head and the grip in his hair tightens. He can't breathe. 

_I have to take it for you,_ the voice says.

Then everything goes black.

.

.

.

Ethan’s face goes slack. His eyes are focused somewhere in the distance. He’s not there anymore, every part of him that makes him Ethan, all the energy and laughter and emotion, is drained away.

All his tears have turned to ink against his skin.

**“Hullo, Blank. Finally came out to play?”**

Ethan’s eyes slide over to meet Mark’s. They’re empty and pitch black.

 _"Why are you doing this, Dark?"_ Ethan rasps.

 **"Oh, are we on a first name basis? You just got here. This is the first time you've ever been let out, isn't it?”** Mark tilts his head. There’s an echo of red in his eyes. His voice is even deeper than usual. **“You don't know what I'm capable of,"** he smiles, baring his teeth.

_“You can’t hurt me like you hurt him.”_

Mark’s grin widens. It hurts to look at him as the edges of his image glitch blinding red and blue. **“I can though, can’t I?”**

 _“You could.”_ The tears dripping down Ethan’s cheeks stain his skin charcoal black. _“But I don’t feel it like he does. And I won’t let him remember this.”_

 **“So kind. So generous. So… sacrificial.”** Mark zips up his pants. **“I don’t actually care about him, you know. I was just trying to bring you here. To me.”** Mark circles him, running a hand from the edge of his collarbone and back along his shoulder blades. **“Don’t you resent him? For leaving you here with me? For giving you the burden of all his painful memories?”**

Ethan looks straight ahead but he twitches as Mark’s hand comes close to his neck. _“I’m here to protect him.”_

 **“But it’s not fair, is it?”** Mark pushes, words smooth and effortless. **“He gets all the joy, all the happiness, and what do you have? All the times he failed? All times he knew he wasn’t good enough? All the times people told him what they really thought of him?”**

Mark leans down, looking into Ethan’s black eyes.

 **“That’s when I knew you were in there. Right when I told him I hated him. A joke, of course, between friends. That’s what Mark thought, anyway. But that’s not how sweet, darling Ethan took it, did he?”** Mark stands to his full height, considering Ethan with hooded eyes. **“I knew I had to do something drastic to pull you out of him. Couldn’t let you just keep lurking in the shadows unmonitored.**

 **“You must have thought you were so slick, didn’t you?”** Mark taunts. **“Slipping in, taking that memory from him, but I saw you. I saw his eyes start to well up and then I saw you take them. And then he was happy again, like a child. You remember what he was feeling, don’t you? Like his idol hated him. He doesn’t even know what you’ve done for him,”** Mark snarls the last part.

Blank’s tears drip to the floor. _“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t need to know. I just need to protect him.”_

Mark’s smile turns wry. **“Protect him… That’s what we’re both here for, isn’t it? You want to protect Ethan. And I want to protect Mark and his interests. So long as you don’t threaten that, I don’t see a reason for us to have a problem.”**

_“How do I know you won’t hurt him again?”_

**“Scared?”** Mark questions, eyes bright and piercing. Ethan flinches involuntarily. **“A little fear is good. I won’t let anyone damage Mark's future. Maybe some fear would be good for poor Ethan. Maybe it would teach him to stay out of the way.”**

 _“It doesn’t have to come to that,”_ Ethan affirms. 

**“Good.”** Ethan tenses as Mark brushes a hand over his jaw and whispers in his ear, **“I’m sure we’ll meet again, Blank. Mark doesn’t mean to but he just can’t help himself.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter we see what's really up with Dark and wrap things up, thanks for sticking with me <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Ethan deal with the aftermath.

Mark doesn’t remember why Dark came into being but it was for the same reason all of them were created.

He called for Dark.

In his bleakest moment, when the only future he could see for himself was one of pain and misery, Mark had pleaded with himself. He needed the hope of something more. He needed something to fight for. He needed someone to pull him out of the stagnation and push him towards a better future.

Dark answered that call.

Since then, he’s been the voice inside of Mark urging him onto bigger projects, more ambitious endeavors. Dark let himself be seen in videos. He let himself be used as the villain. He let himself be the catalyst to reinvigorate Mark. 

He always wanted to help Mark and he did. He brought them to where they are today.

When Mark changed his mind, Dark was utterly blindsided.

Mark had always wanted to help people and Dark accepted that. It painted them in a good light anyway. In the end, they were always still on top. Then Mark decided he wanted to do more. He was going to take on another editor but this time, he also wanted to mentor them. He wanted someone with potential and drive. He wanted someone like him.

Dark tried but he couldn’t change Mark's mind. Mark was set on what he wanted.

The first time Dark met Ethan, he knew he was a threat. A threat to Mark’s single minded focus, a threat to Mark’s ambition, a possible competitor to his career. Dark couldn’t let that happen.

Dark couldn’t take drastic action. Mark was too protective over the younger boy and Dark doesn’t want to risk exposing himself or turning Ethan away. It was better to keep a close eye on the boy, easier to keep him under control. So Dark starts with subtle comments. He barely tilts Mark in the direction of being a little too mean, a little too harsh, a little too pointed. He knows how much the words will mean coming from a trusted friend and he wants to see Ethan  _break._

But the thing is, Ethan doesn’t break. Ethan doesn’t go running home back to Maine. Despite everything, he stays. Things would have been so much easier if he didn’t because now Dark is paying attention. Ethan is a little too quick to forgive and forget.

Dark turns up the pressure. Longer work hours, asking for better video edits, threatening to kick the boy from the team. He doesn’t have the patience to wait anymore. He finally gets Mark to tell Ethan he hates him and even though it’s only a joke, Dark makes sure the words come out with extra bite.

Then he sees it.

He sees Ethan’s face twist like he’s about to cry and then his expression suddenly goes blank. It’s like Mark’s comment never happened at all. Ethan simply forgets it.

And now Dark knows with chilling certainty. There’s someone else like him out there. 

Ethan is an even bigger threat than he first thought. He can’t let Ethan continue to exist like this without his oversight. He has to act in Mark’s best interests.

So he does. 

He has never fully taken control over Mark before. It’s always been a partnership between them with Dark’s presence only having a slight but important influence in his actions. But Dark knows that Mark can have no part in this. Mark cannot even remember this at all. 

He pushes Mark down, down, down.

He corners Ethan.

He does what he has to do to finally get Ethan to break.

And then he meets Blank.

A few violent promises later, everything is under control again. Ethan won’t be threatening Mark’s power anytime soon.

Mark, however, is another story. He has this ridiculous idea that he should be passing down the mantle and that all things must come to an end. That their own legacy will eventually come to an end. As if Dark would let that happen.

All these ideals coalesce into Unus Annus, a channel with it’s own timebomb. And of course Mark wants to do it with Ethan.

Dark can’t stop him. Mark knew exactly what he wanted and to force him to act differently would throw up too many red flags.

The most Dark can do is reassert control and remind Blank why they made this arrangement in the first place. He starts small, just tugging a little bit. 

He gets Mark to start the don’t-touch-me bit. He knows how much Ethan depends on physical comfort from his close friends. He tells Ethan to stay when he clearly wants to leave. He makes him choose between Mark and Mika, knowing it’s hardly a choice at all. When Ethan flubs an upload, he makes sure Mark’s anger is louder than it should be.

Then he goes bigger. He starts restricting Ethan’s eating habits. Whatever line there was, he crossed it a long time ago. There is no limit to what he’s willing to do, even if Mark could never understand his reasons. Ethan’s more erratic on camera while he’s hungry and it’s too easy to tilt Mark’s fondness towards annoyance.

The pandemic is the last nail in the coffin. Blank was already coming out more with the stress of the new channel but once quarantine begins, it’s more Blank than Ethan. That’s fine with Dark. He knows the fear he instilled in Blank is still there.

Of course Mark can’t just leave it well enough alone. He doesn’t know what’s good for him.

Dark can only watch as things spiral out of control. Mark finds out about Blank. He becomes determined to help Ethan remember everything and Dark only worries for a second when Blank says he’ll give back all Ethan’s memories because it’s immediately apparent that he left some key ones out. 

All of Dark’s careful work is slowly being undone as Mark and Ethan begin to repair their friendship. It makes him angry. It makes him furious. (And maybe there’s a small part of him that feels Mark’s relief that Ethan gave him another chance, his desperation to keep his friend, his deep protectiveness and love for the other boy, but he doesn’t like to acknowledge that. To acknowledge it would be to admit that maybe he’s been approaching this wrong and he refuses to believe that. He knows what’s best for Mark.)

Really, it’s his own fault that he’s exposed. He knew Blank wasn’t keeping as many memories from Ethan and in that one moment when Blank, Ethan, and Mark were all on such high alert, he let his anger get the better of him.

Now that Ethan is on his knees in front of him, on his knees again, Dark is certain that he remembers. Now that it’s been brought to the forefront, he can’t stop Mark from remembering it either. And for the first time, he’s not sure he can protect Mark from the pain that will follow.

-

Ethan gasps. His face is wet with tears. He remembers everything. He feels all of Blank’s hurt and fear and he understands now. He understands why Blank tried so hard to protect him from this.

He’s still curled up on the ground and when he looks up, he sees Mark. Mark’s crying, a hand pressed over his mouth, fingertips white with the pressure. He stumbles away from Ethan.

“Oh god… I can’t—” He runs into the side bathroom and Ethan hears him retch violently. Ethan flinches at the horrible sound of coughing and sobbing and gagging.

Ethan is having a hard time processing it. He knows it wasn’t Mark, he knows that. But he had Mark’s face. He had Mark’s voice. Dark used Mark to hurt him.

Even trying to think about it makes Ethan feel like he can’t breathe.

He can’t shake this involuntary fear of Mark. It’s like the assault just happened. It’s still so fresh in his mind. He doesn’t know if he can keep going like this. Maybe this is the end for him and Mark.

Ethan covers his face with his hands. He tries to wipe away all the tears.

No, he can’t abandon Mark like that. He loves him too much. He has to push through this. There has to be a future for them.

He shakily gets to his feet, leaning on the wall for support. He makes his way to the bathroom and slowly pushes the door open. Mark is still inside, crouched over the toilet with his eyes squeezed shut. His hands are shaking as they prop him up. Ethan has never seen Mark tremble like that before.

Mark doesn’t look up as Ethan comes in.

Ethan hears him take a shuddering breath and gag again. Ethan comes up behind Mark and puts a gentle hand on his shoulder, rubbing a circle between his shoulder blades. Mark winces as soon as he touches him.

“Mark? Are you alright?” Ethan asks, voice barely above a whisper. Mark shakes his head.

“Why did this happen?” Mark rasps.

“Dark, he’s… he’s real. Like Blank. Mark, I know it wasn’t you—”

“Why would he— oh god—” Mark leans further down, retching.

“It’s okay,” Ethan says, even though it’s not. He keeps tracing circles on Mark’s back. “It’s okay.”

“No, no, you shouldn’t even be—” Mark shrugs Ethan off, still not looking at him. “You shouldn’t even be touching me. Blank was right. I could hurt you. I have hurt you. It’s unforgivable. And I—” Mark struggles to stand. Ethan reaches out to help him but Mark pushes him away. “I’m too dangerous to be with you. I— I have to go. Ethan, I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.”

Mark is still crying and Ethan can’t take it anymore. He wraps Mark in a hug.

“Stop,” he breathes. “Please don’t go. I don’t want to lose you again. We can figure this out just don’t— don’t leave.”

Mark is rigid in his arms. Then he slowly brings his hands up, clutching at the back of Ethan’s sweatshirt and holding him tight. He sobs into Ethan’s shoulder.

They stay like that for a long time.

Eventually Ethan relaxes his grip. He grabs Mark’s hand and leads him over to the couch. “Come on, let’s sit. And we can talk, okay?”

“Okay,” Mark answers, voice small.

When they sit down, Ethan doesn’t let go of Mark’s hand. He holds onto it, thumbing over Mark’s knuckles in what he hopes is a soothing gesture.

“Ethan, I’m sorry,” Mark starts. “I understand if— if we can’t be friends anymore after this.”

“Mark, it’s not your fault,” Ethan pleads. He tries to make eye contact with Mark but he can’t. “You didn’t even remember it until now.”

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And even if it was Dark, it was still my body. I hurt you.” Mark looks at the ground. “He thought he was protecting me. He thought all of the things I put you through would make my life better.”

Ethan softens his voice. “Like how Blank has been trying to protect me. They both crossed some lines but I think they were trying to do what they thought was best for us, right?” 

“But Blank made you forget some things. Dark deliberately hurt one of my closest friends. He hurt you! I can’t forgive myself for that,” Mark insists desperately. 

“But I forgive you.” Ethan finally meets Mark’s eyes. He sees Mark’s bottom lip quivering as a tear runs down his cheek.

They sit in silence. Ethan thinks about everything they’ve gone through, all the lost memories and discovering Blank and realizing why their egos are here and what it all means. It’s been painful but he’s also closer to Mark than he’s ever been, even now.

He thinks about their channel together. How they built Unus Annus up from the ground, concept to execution. He thinks about what the channel means. He thinks about how the channel will end.

Memento mori. 

Some things are starting to become more clear.

He doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting when Mark whispers, “What now?”

Ethan tries to smile at him. He’s not sure he manages it.

“I think it’s time to say goodbye.”

Mark looks wounded but like he knew it was coming. “To us?”

Ethan shakes his head. He can feel Blank getting closer, supporting his decision. “No. To Blank and Dark.” He holds tighter onto Mark. “They were here to protect us. But Mark, we’ve grown together so much. I think we can protect ourselves now.”

Mark hesitates. “What if… What if they don’t want to go?”

“Blank is ready. This was the last thing he had to give back to me. I can feel him starting to… starting to fade.”

And it’s true. The constant presence that Ethan had almost stopped noticing is ebbing away. Blank doesn’t have the same emotions as him but Ethan can feel his smile, feel his happiness and pride in Ethan, his trust that even with some missteps he’s given Ethan everything he needs to keep himself safe.

Ethan thinks a quiet  _thank you._

It’s like a light inside of him, a warmth. And then Blank is gone.

Ethan’s eyes flutter back open. He hadn’t even realized he closed them. Mark is staring at him.

“You were glowing,” Mark murmurs. “Is… is that it? Is he gone?”

Ethan nods. He knows for certain that, “It was time. Nothing lasts forever.”

“Memento mori.” Mark chokes out a laugh but Ethan can see he’s nervous. “Ethan,” he says, suddenly serious. “If Dark tries to hurt you, you have to promise me you’ll fight, okay? Punch me in the face or something, whatever you have to do. I would rather it be me than you. Promise me.”

“I promise. You can do this.” Ethan knows this is the right choice. Dark and Blank have done everything they could and now it’s time for Mark and Ethan to take back their lives. Their bond can get them through the highs and the lows. He just hopes that Dark sees it the same way.

“Alright.” Mark lets go of Ethan’s hand. He moves back on the couch, sending a nervous look to Ethan. “I’ve never done this before so… Dark?” he calls apprehensively. 

For a second, nothing happens. Then Mark’s eyes roll back. His eyes return darker, irises entirely black. It’s hard to look directly at him. His edges are indistinct and in his peripheral vision, Ethan sees flashes of red and blue emanating from him.

** “So Blank is gone,”  ** Dark says. His voice is so much deeper than Mark’s. It sends chills down Ethan’s spine. He has to fight his reaction to run. **“I was always trying to protect Mark. He called me to help him achieve his dreams. Haven’t I done that?”** Dark’s voice booms.

Ethan almost can’t speak past his dry throat but he manages, “You have. You did a good job.” Ethan swallows. “But Mark can handle it now. He should be able to make his own path.”

Dark looks down at him. The flashes of red and blue intensity, the glitching starting to become violent. Ethan braces himself. For what, he doesn’t know.

But just as suddenly as they started flaring, the glitching begins to settle.

** “You may be right. I never meant to hurt Mark. I’ve overstayed my welcome.”  ** Dark looks at his hands, wavering in the light.  **“He doesn’t need me like he used to. It’s time for me to go.”**

Ethan takes a deep breath. He doesn’t want to ruin the moment but relief flows through him.

Dark glances at him. Ethan is drawn into his gaze, seeing the void and endless spiral of some kind of being that’s ancient and powerful. He will sleep now and be awakened by some other soul who asks for his help.

** “For what it’s worth, Ethan,”  ** Ethan jolts at the sound of his name from Dark’s mouth.  **“I am sorry.”**

Ethan blinks in shock and he almost misses the way Mark’s eyes glow from within before dimming back to normal.

“Mark?”

Mark looks over to him, eyes clear. “Ethan? Did we…”

Ethan throws himself into Mark’s arms with a happy cry. Mark hugs him back, laughing.

“Yeah, we did it,” Ethan grins.

“It’s just us now.” Mark inhales, looking at Ethan. The emotions on his face — relief, happiness, joy, freedom — are overwhelming. Ethan feels it too, feels the slight burning in his eyes but it’s the tears that come from smiling too much.

“Just us. And that’s enough.”

They’re turning over a new leaf. Ethan knows it won’t always be easy but they’re in this together now. He wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of this series! Thank you to everyone who left kudos, commented, and took the time to read this! It's been really fun getting more involved in this fandom and I'm wishing everyone the best during these tough times <3


	3. Chapter 3

00:00:00:00


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